Monday, 13 May 2013


Now let's be honest, everyone every year has those songs that you recommend missing. Whether it's from fear of falling asleep (aaaah it's Iris from 2012) or damn right fear of the performance (yes, I'm referring to the trojan horse - at least I think it was. Sadly Barack Obama didn't jump out and join in with the rapping. I think it was rapping. Who even remembers this!?!?!?).

This year I have selected 3 songs for which all have something in common...yes there are bland ballads, but I believe there are 3 performances which are much worse than having to be rudely awoken because someone has finished singing (as I am sure will happen with Despina's 'An Me Thymassi' from Cyprus - let's rest assure Cyprus won't go bankrupt for hosting the 2014 contest).

1. Montenegro

Sorry Montenegro. I have nothing against Montenegro, I reassure you. I wasn't expecting anything special after the disaster that was Euro Neuro, but I wasn't expecting it to get worse! How do you get worse from worse!?!?!?!?! I would start talking about composition and lyrics but I'm afraid there are none. This is a worse mix of things going on than the Social Network Song. Ok that is probably very harsh. Montenegro are represented by Igranka and the song "Who See". I think that is the right way round. The song could be called Igranka for all I'm aware. I haven't really looked too much into this in fear that I'll lose the definition of music. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty big fan of house music. And I like my dubstep. But this is just a complete failure of an attempt at getting some skanking going on. Someone tell what is going on?

See for yourself. If this qualifies, I'll eat my shoes.

2. Belgium

The Belgians are this year represented by Roberto Bellarosa and the song Love Kills. Well something is being killed, I'm unsure if it's love but I'm fairly confident a cat might be. Okay Roberto doesn't sound like a cat being strangled, but has he ever had singing lessons? Even a little vocal coaching would surely help? Admittedly he has been getting better but his singing is just atrocious. How on earth can he represent his country in the biggest singing competition in the world!? And where are Belgium finding these kids? Some pressing questions I would like answered by a Belgian please! Yes, choosing a kid has worked. Tom Dice had that stunning song in 2010 "Me and My Guitar", but after the nightmare that was Iris and her empty house from last year, you'd of thought the Belgians would have tried harder in selecting a representative. This is on the international stage after all. Like with Montenegro though, I feel it fitting to mention that I definitely have nothing against Belgium, just some poor selection choices.

3. Romania

Probably the scariest thing I've ever seen in Eurovision. Well the scariest thing I've ever heard in Eurovision. Romania have a 100% qualifying record in the ESC. You can kiss that goodbye - I recommend ear plugs if you want to listen to this. I joked about cats being strangled when talking about Roberto, I joke no more. Those poor cats. What did Romania do to them? This is Cezar and "It's My Life".

WELL GOOD LUCK to my toilet breaks from this year's contest. I'm sure you'll do "just fine".

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